(A look back at a post from ~3 years ago chronicling my struggle and fluctuating weight loss. Years of data showed I needed something to push me over the hump, sheer willpower wasn’t enough. The frustration so evident in this post repeated itself every few months, the same cycle over and over, lose weight, gain it back, rinse and repeat until I decided to have the surgery. Over a year before the surgery I started preparing mentally and in my diet, the 130lbs+ I have lost are just as much from the hard work I put in before, if not more so, than the immediate effects of the surgery. Anyone who says the surgery is cheating doesn’t know or understand the struggle we go through on a daily basis.)
I came across a picture of myself from a friends wedding taken 9 years ago and I am shocked at how much less I weighed back then. Body image is always part of being a fat person, and many times it’s that you simply don’t believe you are as large as you are or weigh as much as you do.
I had convinced myself for so long that I weighed the same amount because I didn’t have a scale to weigh myself on. I was shocked a few years ago to see how much I had gained (nearly 200lbs) even though I knew my clothes sizes had gone up and that on the few rare occasions I looked in the mirror I was appalled by what I saw. You learn to ignore mirrors, maybe just look at your face, your hair, your teeth.
Fast forward a few years and I am down about 40lbs but I feel the same as before. I had actually forgotten that for a long time I was smaller, much smaller. Even when I was “bigger” like 9 years ago I was nearly half the size I am now. Yet in my mind I have been this large “forever” and it seems impossible to get back down to where I was. Like I had convinced myself even if I lost the weight nobody would notice.
Maybe its because I avoided pictures being taken of me for so long I had nothing to compare it to. Or that its all part of the self sabotage of being and staying fat that I had convinced myself it wasn’t worth it to lose the weight, that it was too much work and nobody would notice, or there wouldn’t be much of a difference. Maybe that picture is what I need to get motivated again, for although that was still heavier than what would be considered “healthy” it would be a hell of a lot better than where I am now.